


Four Times Luke Regretted Living With Force Ghosts & One Time He Did Not

by Kierkegarden



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Drug Use, Fluff, Force Ghosts, Gen, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Meta, sorry mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 11:37:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13099281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kierkegarden/pseuds/Kierkegarden
Summary: or The Ghosts of Jedi PassedAU where Luke has to live with the Force Ghosts of Yoda, Obi-Wan and Anakin while he lays low in Episode VII. Buckle up for this one because I’m sure you can pinpoint the exact spot where I went off the deep end with it. Get ready for dirty dishes, beach parties and space weed - oh, and lots of poking fun at this terrible franchise that has consumed my soul. Not for the faint of heart. Get ready to suspend your disbelief because this gets pretty meta as it orbits way out of the realm of canon. Into a galaxy far, far away, one might even say.





	Four Times Luke Regretted Living With Force Ghosts & One Time He Did Not

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: I haven't yet seen Episode VIII, not that this is anything close to what canon could ever look like. Just - bear that in mind. One last chance to turn back, I suppose.

It was like living with mother-in-laws: Three of them, to be precise. When they weren’t pestering him to return, like they knew anything of his struggle, they were bickering amongst each other. 

“I do not fight every day to keep my identity separate from the Force just to have you cheat at craps, Anakin.” Master Kenobi rolled his eyes, shifting through the stone wall, towards the sea. His dice rolled sadly onto the floor behind him, discarded. 

“Oh, go sulk about it,” his father kicked his feet up on the table. Of course, it did not support them, so they just shifted through it. He readjusted quickly, in embarrassment. 

“Why are you looking at me that way, Luke?” he turned to his son, who was frowning at him from the corner chair, “If you want a good sulk, I think Obi-Wan could use some company.”

“I heard that!” called the spirit from outside.

Luke rose and began to pace back and forth. “Don’t you ever get tired of sitting here, day in and day out, arguing with each other?”

His father shrugged. “It beats dying. Don’t you ever get tired of sulking around instead of doing something?”

“You do realize that I’m a middle-aged man, right? You don’t have to lecture me like I’m some kind of kid.” Luke sighed.

“What do you know, Anakin, he doesn’t like being lectured. Sounds just like an apprentice I had once.” Obi-Wan floated back into the doorway, talking over Luke’s head.

His father laughed, “Your favorite apprentice.”

“My only apprentice and yet, almost certainly my least favorite.”

Luke shuddered. His father’s ghost bent to retrieve the fallen dice. 

“So also your favorite then?”

“Maybe if he didn’t use loaded dice.”

Luke slammed his fist down on the table. He had had more than enough. “Get a room,” he said flatly, and took off to sulk on a nearby rock where it would be quieter. Staring off into the ocean, he bemoaned how nobody really understood his pain. His apprentice had also fallen, but unlike Obi-Wan, he did not have the pleasure of playing craps with him in a world where nothing could hurt him. In all his angsty brooding, he barely noticed Yoda’s Force Spirit sit beside him.

“Still doing nothing, you are.” Yoda chirped in his ear.

He jumped. They were like tax collectors, the ghosts, potholes. You couldn’t get away from them. They had become a fact of life.

“Many years, it’s been,” Yoda tilted his head, “Get off of your ass, you should. Hm?” 

Luke groaned, “Go away! You’re not my dad!”

“So happy to see me you were, once.” Yoda giggled, floating towards the door, as he reached into his pocket to grab a set of dice.

 

\--

 

“I’m calling a house meeting.” Luke sat at the head on the table. At either side of him, the ghosts of Obi-Wan and his father sat across from each other. Yoda’s ghost sat suspended in thin air above them. At least he had managed to get them all together.

“Firstly, I would like to bring up some _ things _ I’ve been noticing and then we can all go around the table and take turns, any questions?”

By some miracle, nobody had any. Luke cleared his throat.

“It has come to my attention that the sink is full of dirty dishes and has been since last week. Would anyone like to explain?”

Yoda floated over to the sink to inspect the mess. Sure enough, it was piled high with half scraped plates and coffee mugs. A white-ish film had surfaced across the mass and single fly buzzed.

“One problem, there is,” Yoda croaked, holding his ghost nose, “Consuming food, Force Ghosts cannot. All yours, are these dishes, hm?”

“Impossible!” Luke slammed his hands down on the table in anguish, “You can’t possibly think that one man has created this giant mess!”

Now that it was brought to his attention, Luke realized that he hadn’t seen any of the Force Ghosts eat. It did seem strange. Could they be dirtying dishes on purpose anyway? - He glanced around suspiciously - No, that would be pointless. Unless…

“That brings me to my second point of concern,” Luke continued, “I will not be returning to the public sphere. I am much safer here. And I’d appreciate” --  he glared pointedly at each ghost -- “if you would not keep trying to make me change my mind: through bartering with me, through passive aggressive remarks, or through sabotaging my living situation.”

The ghost on Obi-Wan put a hand on his shoulder. “I can’t believe you think we would do such a thing.”

On second thought, Luke cringed, maybe they were just this obnoxious naturally. 

“Moving on…” he gestured to Obi-Wan, signalling that it was his turn to bring up concerns.

“Oh, yes, I have a proposal,” the Jedi Master straightened, “I’d like to pass a motion to ban cheating at dice games in this house. All in favor?”

Nobody responded.

 

\--

 

The air was warmer that morning; so warm in fact, that Luke removed his hood while he took his daily brooding session. The Force Ghosts had gathered outside just to watch him and make personal remarks in his direction. Luke remained pouty and miserable, despite the comments getting more and more ridiculous. Exasperated, he finally decided to act.

“I’m serious, you guys! Leave me alone,” he called out to them.

“Hi Serious, I am your father,” said Anakin with a shit-eating grin.

“From a certain point of view,” teased Obi-Wan. He had sworn off of dice games, and now had a deck of cards which he was shuffling between his fingers.

“Pointless, was that reference.” Yoda commented, matter-of-factly. He was right, of course, but it still caused Obi-Wan to pout.  
  
“I thought it was clever.”

“Literally you and nobody else,” Anakin chimed in.

Luke turned on his heel for the other side of the house, twirling his robe for dramatic effect. To his disappointment, the Force Ghosts followed in toe. He sat glumly down on a new rock in the shade. 

“You know why I love this planet?” Anakin pulled off his ghost robe so that he was wearing only his skivvies, “Lots of water, no sand.” He did a canonball into the ocean, as the other recoiled, the splashes going through their ethereal forms. Soon, the other two had dropped their ghost robes as well and were headed after him. Luke watched them, trying not to think about the physics of ghost robes or why they even existed. 

“What’s wrong with sand?” asked Obi-Wan.

“Oh, you know.” Anakin answered him, floating just above the water, “It’s coarse, irritating, gets everywhere…”

Yoda splashed him gently. “Feel sand, you cannot - hm? - incorporeal you are.”

“I guess I just hate it on principal.”

Obi-Wan dragged his hand across the water towards Anakin, causing a wave of water to soak completely through him. “Hate is not the Jedi way,” he lectured. 

Anakin splashed him back even harder. They continued this childish fight, getting more and more competitive, as water splashed everywhere. Yoda acted as referee, sitting a ways away and calling fouls. 

Dodging as a blast of water as it launched in his direction, Luke looked on. He was trying not to think of Leia, somewhere out there in the galaxy, holding up the resistance on her own. Why did his father feel the need to say such stupid and trivial things? How in the world did anyone ever put up with him when he was alive? 

 

\--

 

With all of the passive aggressive post-it notes, pestering, arguing, and cheating (now at both dice  _ and  _ card games), Luke couldn’t imagine what the Force Ghosts could think up to torture him next. He was quite certain that it was not his own fault. He had never had a problem with roommates before. Even in close quarters on a starship, he and Han had gotten along swimmingly. This, however, was something completely different. He was certain that it couldn’t get worse. 

He was proven wrong, however, after coming inside one day to an unfamiliar smell. It was disgusting. Halfway between a decaying Sarlacc and burning rubber, the pungent odor filled his nose the second he walked through the door. Gagging, he pulled his hood over his face and set out to investigate what had died. Hopefully, those nagging ghosts, he thought to himself bitterly.

The door to the refresher was left slightly ajar, and as he pushed it open, he got his answer. Atop the sink sat the three ghosts and between them, a ghost hookah. Luke didn’t have time to question the validity of that plot device, bringing up logistical concerns such as,  _ how did the hookah get here? How does a ghost smoke hookah? Why, in the name of the Force, was this abomination happening before his eyes? _

Instead he just stood there, mouth cartoonishly agape.

The ghosts didn’t notice him at first in their haze. True to character, Anakin and Obi-Wan were engaged in an argument, as Yoda stretched lazily between them.

“It’s over, Anakin, I have the high ground,” drawled Obi-Wan, chuckling to himself.

“Just ‘cause you’re high doesn’t mean you’re on the ground,” countered Anakin, as though he thought it was clever.

Finally, Luke shook himself out of his stupor and spoke.

“What the  _ hell _ is this?” He demanded.

“Space weed, it is.” Yoda answered him. His usually wide and alert eyes were drooping tiredly, pupils dilated. 

Luke shook with rage. “Space weed? At this smoke-free home of mine?” He pointed to the door. “OUT! ALL OF YOU! SOME MENTORS YOU ARE!”

“Whoa, slow down, son,” his father extended his coil of the ghost hookah towards Luke, “you don’t even wanna try it?”

Smashing the device away, Luke’s face crinkled with disgust, “Your Peer Pressure will not work on me.” 

Anakin shrugged and took a long deep toke, the hookah water bubbling lightly. His exhale formed little rings that disappeared into thin air.

“GET OUT!” Luke tried to grab the ghost and push him, but it was not use. His fingers went right through his body. 

“That tickles!” laughed Anakin, as Obi-Wan stuck his arm out defensively, five seconds too late.

Taking one last look at his so-called role models, Luke shook his head. He stormed out of the room towards the Brooding Rock. He would not return until the next morning.

 

\--

 

When he did come back, the house was utterly silent. The table, which was usually covered with cards or scattered with dice, was empty, and the lights shut off. As Luke switched them on, he saw that the kitchen sink was empty as well, scrubbed completely clean. The trash compactor was shining. 

Instead of stale or foul, the inside air had a pleasant aroma of Sandalwood. As Luke walked further in, he located the source of sweet scent, a candle that had been lit, resting on his dresser. The candle was solid and tangible, as a ghost candle would just be incredibly stupid.

It was peculiar. This house hadn’t been clean since he had first arrived here. Between the ghosts leaving a trail of destruction wherever they went and him spending most of his time sulking, chores were rarely done. This new standard of cleanliness was a welcome experience but something was off. Where were the Force Ghosts? 

Luke set off to check the refresher. That’s where he had seen them last, after all. He felt a tinge of guilt as he remembered how he had tried to push his father off of the sink, in his rage. Luke had a particular sensitivity to drugs as he had been part of the Society Against Drug Buying & Offering: Youth Sector (SADBOYS, for short) when growing up on Tatooine. Seeing that his neglectful father was a reefer user, indulging in the Dark Side’s lettuce, hurt his feelings, even if it was not much of a surprise. Still, it was no reason to give in to hate.

He opened the door to the refresher and gasped. It was spotless. The sinks had been scrubbed, the mirrors were clear, and it smelled like lemons. The toilet seat was even left down, which he thought was utterly unnecessary, but still a nice gesture. However, no ghosts were to be found. Disappointed, Luke sulked back to his Brooding Rock to think.

There was good in the Force Ghosts. No matter how infuriating it was to return once again to his father and Obi-Wan arguing. No matter how many times Yoda pointed out the obvious in such a way that made him hate himself for being such an idiot. No matter how condescending the three of them could be, or naggy, or grating - they were still his mentors. He loved all of them dearly. 

This planet was small and isolated - wasn’t that the point? Without the ghosts here, Luke realized that he would go mad. Maybe they realized that too, and that was why they left. Or maybe, they hadn’t even been here to start. Luke splashed water onto his face. No, that was crazy. He had to stay focused. He climbed out on his rock, overlooking the tides. He had to be brave.

Just then he heard the sound of an airship overhead. His heart raced as it landed roughly beside him. Clambering out of it was a brown-haired girl, not much older than he had been when he had sought out Obi-Wan so many years ago. He jolted. 

She was holding his lightsaber.


End file.
